Unbloomed Flower

The withered flower finally blooms.

Blooming after so many tough seasons.

The beautiful flower with charming petals.

Until one day the flower is picked.

Those charming petals fall off and they are thrown away.

And the sun looked down at the flower and said,

"you are too full of everything

that make you whole to ever be loved in halves."

Where flowers bloom, so does hope.

For every flowers lose their petals every year.

And they still stand tall,

wait for better days to come.

Image courtesy of April Green

Like wildflowers,

she must allow herself to grow

in all the places people thought she never would.

Home

Jakarta.

I don't know how much time is left until I finally leave this city.

My kind of love-hate relationship.

One thing I love the most about Jakarta, the city lights.

One thing I hate the most about Jakarta, the people.

People refers to those who treat me wrong.

I never thought before that life would be this hard.

The biggest lesson in my life I've learned in this city. 

Many smiles, many more tears.

Many obstacles, many more blessings.

At the end of the day, having a grateful heart was the only savior.

Let us go home.

But where to go?

No place to go home.

Journaling

For the past 6 weeks, I've been writing a journal regularly.
According to my integrative life coach, journaling is one of the effective healing processes.
Journaling is like whispering to myself and listening at the same time.
I tell myself to myself and throw the burden on my journal and feel relieved.
Besides writing a journal, I also practice meditation.
And sure enough, the benefits are felt psychologically.
I'm being a happier, more loving, optimistic, and positive person.

I have taught myself how to figure out if what I'm feeling is real or another trick my brain is making me feel.
It's not easy dealing with something you don't quite understand.
But we can choose not to let it control us.
Sometimes it helps to write things down.
Writing in a journal each days allow you to direct your focus to what you accomplished,
what you're grateful for and what you're committed to doing better tomorrow.
Thus, you more deeply enjoy your journey each day.

If you struggle too maybe this will help.
Write down what you're feeling.
Exactly.
Write down what is happening in your life, but the trick is you have to be honest.
Really honest.
Be honest about what is good and bad.
There are 3 points that must be in your writing: what do you feel, what you're grateful for, and positive affirmations.
And then take accountability for it.
If you feel sad but know that it's not because your life is bad, but because your mind is a little different.
That's okay.
Now that you have some perspective and some truth you can work on it.
Take accountability for yourself, be kind to yourself but also be honest.

It's okay not to be okay.

Now and Back Then

 
This photo was taken 2 years ago.
What I had that day was apparently different than what I have today.
We never know what the future hold, life is full of surprises. 
Everything's good now and back then, just different type of goodness.
For sure, in just 2 years, so many things happened and changed.
Both personal and career life. 
At that moment, I was family of 3. At this moment, I am family of 2.
Not to mention about the divorce, that's fine.
Divorce is not something forbidden, legally and religiously.
But hey, I am a single mother right now.
Happiness & strength of being a single mother are not felt by all women.
God chooses me because I'm special, I'm strong enough to hit this challenge.
I lost one member of my family, but God sends me many good people to come.
My creative team, colleagues, friends from the communities I've engaged.
They are my support system. They are going to take me higher.
About career life, I'm getting better every single day.
2 years ago, I was a seller of retail products with my own brand.
Today, I'm not only a seller, but also a tutor and an author.
My tutorials have been published by national and international print media.
I have my own book, sold throughout Indonesia, even to overseas.
I have adapted my love of teaching and training on being a tutor.
I'm sharing ideas about sewing craft to my community.
What failed me in the past become the lesson that gets me to where I am right now. 

One thing I want to emphasize: one door closed, another door opens.
Because real success is how high we bounce after we hit bottom.
I take all the process as well.
Human makes mistake, learn from it, and grow.
We don't grow when things are easy, we grow when things get difficult.
For the real winner, there are no finish line.
Remember, everyone has their own struggles, and we're in this together.

Strong Woman

When they see you as a strong woman,
they think that you do not need anything or anyone,
you can bear everything and will overcome whatever happens.
That you do not mind being listened to, cared for or pampered.

When they see you as a strong woman,
they just look for you to help them carry their crosses.
They talk to you and they think you do not need to be heard.

A strong woman is not asked if she is tired, suffering, or falling,
if she has anxiety or fear.
The important thing is that she is always there,
as a rock in the middle of the sea.

The strong woman is not forgiven anything.
If she loses control, she becomes weak.
If she loses her temper, she becomes hysterical.

When strong woman disappears in a minute, it is immediately noticeable.
But when she is there, her presence is usual.
But the strength that is needed every day,
to be that kind of woman, does not matter to anyone.

Honor, recognize, respect, and thank the strong women in your life,
because they also need to be strained, loved, and feel that they can rest.

The strong woman, you survived what you thought would kill you.
Now straighten your crown and move forward like the queen you are.
Be brave.

Here I am

Maybe right now my journey is all about me.
Maybe this is the season I am being challenged to be my own savior,
to be my own safe place.
Maybe right now I am being reminded,
that the people who walked away were only ever leading me back to myself,
were only ever leading me here.
And here, I am okay on my own.
Here, I am rebuilding.
Here, I am adapting, and mending,
and reclaiming all of the pieces I let them walk away with.
Here, I am being kinder my soul,
I am giving myself the same kind of love I have always given to others.
Here, I am not rushing my heart,
I am not depending on another human being to fix it.
Instead, here, I am doing that on my own.
Here, I am healing.

I have endured, I have been broken, I have known hardship, I have lost myself.
But here I stand, still moving forward, growing stronger every single day.

Thirty-One

Wohoo! I'm 31 right now.
No more insecurity like I felt when I was 29 turned to 30.
Yes I feel older, but now I'm overwhelmed with blessings.
31 years old with lots of experiences.
Experiences that might not belong to most people at my age.
The upside down life, emotional rollercoaster.
But at the end, everything happened better than I thought.
It's okay if I fall down and lose my spark.
Just make sure that when I get back up,
I rise as the whole damn fire.

All the tears had been paid off.
I live a life I've prayed before.
Not kinda perfect life according to most people.
But for me, my life is beautiful.
As perfect as I need.
Even when I feel broken, God reminds me that I'm chosen.
And now I know, God doesn't choose those who are fit.
He outfits those whom He chooses.
So why should I worry?
He has guaranteed my life an all the things that will happen.
Whatever will be, I will always be okay.
There's no need to rush.
If something is meant to be, it will happen.
In the right time, with the right person, for the best reason.

I'm nor single neither taken.
I'm building an empire, finding myself,
healing myself, loving myself,
being passionate, getting fit,
growing friendship, meeting new people,
and making memories.
That's relationship status of 31-year-old me.

5 Years for Tomorrow

Hey you there, how was life?
Yesterday I'd done something good, you must be proud of me. I gave speech in front of people (and also camera) about my commitment to creating an equal opportunity for all Indonesian children to attain a proper education, together with Hoshizora Foundation. That's not so me, and I know you think that so. I'm not kinda person with high confidence to talk in front of people, but yesterday I did it great! So many people like me, they all smiled at me, they hugged me, they said thank you, even they took pictures with me. At the moment, I feel so precious. Glad to feel that the older I get, the more good things I did. This is a good news for you too, right? I know you are the one who always support me, the one who will be very happy with my achievement.

This is me on "Hoshizora Summit 2019: Kita Bermimpi Berjuang Bersama" with Reky Martha, President of Hoshizora Foundation and teachers from Yogyakarta & Raja Ampat.

Okay then back to the tittle of this post, 5 years. What happen with 5 years? Actually, I'm not in a stable mood. Tomorrow I'm going to start a hard race, a race that might lead me to a better life. I hope so. Even I'm ready, still it's going to be hard. How I wish you were here. To listen what I feel, I think, I need. But I know you aren't able to be here with me, that's why I write this post. Because, maybe, someday, or maybe right away, you'll read this in another place. I will do something you asked for since 5 years ago. It took me so long to fully prepared. It took 5 years. Not kinda short time, but why do I have to hurry? At least I move, I move to a better life. Slow but sure.

You, in another place. But now it's not the time for us to talk.
Just keep watching me. Praying for me.
Hoping for a lot of happiness will come to me.